by Halley

anytime but now

I really don’t want to write this paper. I can’t remember ever being so averse to a philosophy paper. Maybe I’m just really not meant to be here, or maybe it’s b/c I don’t want to be here that makes more critical than usual. Either case, I just don’t want to write this damn paper. And since when is there an absolute minimum for a philosophy paper?!

So instead, I’m procrastinating indefinitely. Looking through old pictures and being nostalgic (what else is new?). I’m flipping (metaphorically speaking) through pictures of spring and autumn at Duke. I’m remembering the day I spent deliberatingly sitting on fallen leaves just to create a picturesque moment. I’m thinking back to the many times I spent taking pictures at WaDuke. I’m looking through pictures of me as a freshman and sophomore, and wondering if I really looked younger back then or if it’s just me. And I’m looking at bared legs and arms and airy summer dresses and wishing for 70+ degree weather. In the end, I still like the warmer weather better.

But I’m looking forward to this Xmas. I can’t quite remember what happened on the last one. It must not have been spectacular. There was no xmas party, at least no picture to stir my memory. So more reason for my looking forward to the holiday season this year. To snow, to my friends, to the one I love. I’m dreaming of afternoons spent in a snow covered park, laughing and snapping away with my camera, while complaining of the merciless cold. I’m dreaming of rosy cheeks, seeing my breath in the air, losing feelings in my ears and nose, but always finding warmth in a friend’s laughter, a lover’s embrace, and a cup of mocha. I’m dreaming of finally returning to the place, the people, and the life I have left behind and miss beyond words. 

They will come in less than a month, in less than four weeks, in just 27 days. But oh I wish it would come sooner.

by Halley

be stronger.

Funny how many people get the impression that I’m “strong,” even though I often feel so unbelievably weak. You’d think by now I should be somewhat less needy and clingy and overall emotional independent. But no, I’m not. I need love and the presence of people who love me right next to me as much I did when I was 14, 16, and 18. I don’t think that will ever change.

What does need to change, however, is my tolerance for the lack of it and the ability to understand that sometimes, I just can’t have it. What I need is the grace to live without it, even if I’m unhappy. Be more optimistic, be more brave, and be more tolerant. That’s what growing up is all about, isn’t it?

by Halley

Between a rock and a hard place

So now that I’m told it’ll be perfectly fine for me to return to Duke early, I’m suddenly unbelievably sad just thinking about leaving my friends here. It has almost been a miracle how quickly I’ve made so many friends here and how awesome they really are. I feel like I’m just getting to know them and now I have to say goodbye. The genuine disappointment I saw on their face when I told them of the possibility of not coming back was quite heartbreaking. And yet I could not dwell too much on the thought too much and had to try my best to focus on my reasons for leaving…because if I really thought for a moment of leaving, I might have broken down into tears right there in the cafeteria. 

Funny how it was so difficult for me to decide whether to come here in the first place. Who would have thought I would be having just as a hard time half year later trying to decide whether to leave or not. My reasons for leaving are good enough. Law school is my top priority, so of course I should go back to Duke and raise my GPA and take lsat prep classes. Intellectually speaking, I wouldn’t really miss anything by leaving. Most of the things I learn here I can learn at Duke, in a much more intense and condensed manner. Even London, I can always come back. The monuments and the city is not going anywhere, nor would they change very much. That leaves my friends, or more precisely, time with them…something I’ll never be able to get back. Sure there’s IM, skype, and the entire internet plus phone for long distance communication, but I think I know quite well by now how far they are from real-time, face-to-face interactions. 

I can imagine my life back at Duke quite well. I’ll be once again stressed about classes on a regular basis. There’ll be loads of papers and reading. I will feel pressure and I will challenged. And I will be back to my old friends (at least most of them). There’ll be LSAT and GRE prep courses, or at least lots of practices. I won’t feel left out when I see tagged pictures of my friends at performances and parties. I’ll be photographing dances again. Ultimately, I’ll have the old life back again, sort of.

But I’ll miss having my own room. I’ll miss having dozens of cafes and restuarants to choose from for lunch. I’ll miss playing bridge every other day. I’ll miss my econ history class, and I’ll miss my philosophy of social science class. I won’t miss the constant traffic conjestion, or the claustrophobic feeling in this city. I won’t miss waiting forever for the elevator every day for class, or having to squeeze through Houghton street every day. But yes, I will miss my life here and especially my friends.

I feel pulled in two directions. My friends back at Duke are telling me how much they miss me and to come back. My friends here are telling me how much they will miss and don’t go. So I’m stuck with yet another hard decision where no matter what I choose, I have to make some sacrifices. In the end, I can’t have everything. That’s life, they say, but that doesn’t make it any easier to swallow.

by Halley

November Rain

Whoever told me that november is the rainiest month was sadly right. Sunny days have become increasingly rare, and while a rainy saturday is conducive to catching up the sleep that I lost over the week, traveling to school in rain and wind with a broken umbrella is just not cool at all. I don’t think I’m going to buy a pair of rain boots afterall. One because it’s expensive, and two the month is already 1/3 gone, and three I might not be coming back, in which case I already have more than I can possibly bring back with me on the plane.

Speaking of which, I’m still waiting for replies from the pre-law dean, the financial aid office, and anyone else who has a piece of (reliable) advice to offer in regards to withdrawing from studying abroad early and its impact on law school admission. I need to make the decision by this weekend, at the latest. 

Meanwhile, I’m hoping to switch out of that economic analysis class and sign up for the philosophy of economics one instead. Two reasons: the tutorial/class for econ analysis, which is mandatory, is an utter waste of my time, and I never really learn how to do the problem sets anyways, so there’s no point in torturing myself further with them. Hopefully this will also be sorted out by the end of this week, preferably before Friday.

All in all, it’s gonna be a fun week dealing with the administrations and bureacracy of both schools and waiting around for emails that will hopefully come soon. 

I’ll be leaving for Cumberland Lodge on friday afternoon for the weekend. The itinerary sounds pretty good and the lecture series seem exciting. Looking forward to living in an ex-royal residence. Here’s to more photo-ops, fun philosophy talks, and living in a room without a lock. I might even venture out into the nearby woods, depending on the weather. Thank god there’s wireless.

by Halley

Patience & Faith

The best things in this world often require them. How else do we deal with this world of uncertainties? Behavioral economists correctly note the obvious: we all want certainties in our lives, but perhaps that is just because we always want what we don’t have, and that is most certainly one of the things this world does not afford us, along with immortality. An interesting thought, if we had one of these, would we also want the other? Say, if you could be immortal, then uncertainty wouldn’t be so bad, would it? It’s the very fact that we only live once, for a definite period, that we are so afraid of the uncertainties. We want to minimize mistakes, regrets, and get things right the first time and not let once in a life time opportunities slip by. But if we could live forever, would that still matter as much? I suppose ti would still matter to a degree, since nothing really repeats itself exactly. So having infinite number of chances doesn’t mean you can have the exactly same chance twice, and living forever isn’t quite the same as going back in time and reliving the same life. But I digress…

Exactly what makes these two things difficult? The uncertainties or our desire for acquiring utility now? Probably both. But we have no control on time, or chance. So given the circumstances and facts of life, it is perhaps that we wait and hope for the best; however gruelling and difficult. 

So I’ve come to accept that I’m going to make mistakes as long as I live. It’s probably not a good idea to beat myself up over the mistakes I’ve already made or let it lead to self-doubt. Regardless of what I have decided and done, life moves on. No matter what, I’m still alive, and there’s still tomorrow. It doesn’t matter that I’m 20, or more than half way through college, I could be 80, but as long as I live, I might as well be prospective and not be brought down too much by what I can’t change. 

By all account, I’m happy enough. I’m not perfectly happy, but when have I ever been perfectly happy? Yet I can’t ignore the missing piece- the missing person -that makes life feel incomplete in its absence. I’m trying to get used to it, though I can’t say if I’m successful. In my most optimistic moments, I try to tell myself in time everything will be okay, and this makes us stronger. But there are always those moments when I can’t stop myself from wondering why I chose this and if I could indeed survive this for much longer. 

手沉默的握紧
越过一座森林
我们走得很慢
连幸福都着急
在落叶里前进
哪一条路才有道理
奇迹抛弃我们(奇迹留给别人)
还好你还在这里(因为已经有你)

永恒不能赶快
开始谁也不明白
风风雨雨
宁愿相信明天睛天
爱不好的我们还能
迎着阳光一步一步来
毕竟路上有你作伴
就有幸福的预感