by Halley

the secret to living (happily) with your parents

This week is a sad week for our household. My mom and stepdad flew back to China on Tuesday, after taking care of us for the last 18 months. We all went to the airport together to send them off. At the security gate, a teary Anna clung to her grandmother, freely displaying the sadness that we, the adults, were barely containing. After we finally managed to peel Anna off of my mom, I caught her wiping away tears as she proceeded to the queue.

The last 1.5 years were such a reprieve for me and V. After having a baby during peak pandemic, moving across the country, and both of us starting new jobs (multiple times), we were beyond grateful for the additional support my parents gave us. It was a huge sacrifice on their parts – both my mom and stepdad retired early to make the move happen. While my parents stayed with us, we were spoiled endlessly with daily home cooked meals and guaranteed childcare. My parents would pack Anna’s lunch, take her to school (and sometimes even pick her up if we needed it), run a million errands for us, and played with Anna every morning, afternoon, and evening. Meanwhile, we got to sleep in on weekends, go on solo trips, and always knowing Anna was well taken care of. It was truly heaven for us as parents, only made possible by the extraordinary love of my own parents.

It wasn’t all smooth sailing though. Living with one’s parents (or in-laws) is never for the faint of the heart, but I did get incredibly lucky. We all worked on making adjustments on a daily basis, but even then it wasn’t enough. About 6 months in, we finally reached a tipping point in the form of a particularly emotionally charged, and drawn-out, conflict between all of us (though my mom and I were particularly affected). After weeks of painful silences and poor sleep, and failed attempts of apologies and repair on our own, I suggested family therapy. Luckily, the therapist V and I had worked with agreed to work with me and mom. Most importantly, my mom required no persuasion and agreed.

We went all in with the therapy. There was no holding back, and lots of tears – but also discoveries about ourselves, and each other. We went to places that we needed to go, in order to get to where we wanted to be – which was a deeper understanding of each other, and a more connected relationship between mother and daughter. We talked about everything, but mostly focused on our experiences of generational trauma, and how to break out of it. We concluded our sessions after 2 months, and thanked our therapist for the incredible impact she had on us.

I credit family therapy as the key that allowed our family to reap the benefits of multi-generational living, while successfully navigating the many challenges that come with it. Like many immigrant families, the differences between me and my mom span across cultures, generations, temperaments, and values. While in some ways I am a carbon copy of my mom, in others we could not be more different. The disconnect between us has sometimes felt like insurmountable chasms. With the help of our therapist, we now have the tools – and deeper understand of each other – to finally bridge these gaps and reach the other in ways we had always wanted to, but didn’t know how to. I always encourage everyone to explore therapy, especially if they are struggling (which is probably most of us?). Life is tough, and it’s okay to get help.

by Halley

February favorites

  1. Water filters – We installed this one in the shower and this one on my bathroom sink. My skin has been noticeably less dry. Maybe it’s the chlorine filter? Whatever it is, I’m loving it. The pressure in the shower head is also excellent.
  2. All things ski related – I wasn’t planning on buying a one-piece ski suit, but then they went on sale…and I bought 2. This one is loud and colorful. It’s so much fun (though not my typical style). This blush number is totally my color, and I can’t wait to twin with my BFF, who has a red one from Goldbergh. Both suits are definitely lacking in one or more technical features (e.g., storm hood, boot gaiters, pass pocket, etc.) – they are more for looks than function. I would not recommend either as a first (or only) ski outfit for people who ski more than a couple of days on a holiday. Montec is the best wallet friendly option, in my opinion, that combines style and functionality. Early season (fall) is probably the best time to shop as many of their styles will sell out of sizes quickly. I’m also excited to try out new helmet and goggles this weekend. Will report back with details.
  3. European sunscreen – Because they are better (and sometimes cheaper) than American ones. I have been wearing this one daily, and bringing this one with while skiing.
  4. Face oils – I have been using one from Biossance in the AM, and one from Drunk Elephant in the PM. The extra glow is amazing especially for the dry winter months.
  5. Children’s books – Some recent favorites include “The Rabbit Listened“, “Hug Me“, “My Heart“, “Trying“, “Tofu Takes Time“, and “What feelings do when no one is looking“
by Halley

The Terrific Twos

I never liked the “terrible two” phrase. It always sounds like such a negative self-fulfilling prophecy. I would bristle at its unfairness – pronouncing judgment on an entire age group, without giving the toddler a fair shot, a blank slate. If the expectation is that the child will be “terrible”, what chance do they have at being anything else?

In any case, I adore the toddler stage. The blossoming language skills, the expressiveness coupled with endless excitement and curiosity about everything and anything – it is utterly breathtaking and achingly endearing. Compared to the newborn stage, or even the entire first year, I enjoy the toddler stage so much more. Maybe it’s because we are finally emerging from the global pandemic, maybe it’s our daughter’s growing independence, or maybe I’m just more tolerant of tantrums than the physical demands of caring for a baby.

Like many other endeavors, parenting has a way of exposing our greatest strengths and weaknesses. What I discovered, to no one’s surprise, was sleep deprivation was not my thing (is it anyone’s?). Ultimately, I found caring for a baby to be the most physically demanding and exhausting thing I had ever done. My body ached constantly from the lack of sleep, around the clock breastfeeding and pumping, and hours spent spoon feeding a baby that would not put *anything* in her mouth. And it sucked even more that I couldn’t go to (or hire) a masseuse (or any other kind of help for that matter), because of the pandemic.

Fast forward a year, I love the rhythm we have found with our toddler and her recently retired grandparents. Navigating the family dynamic across multiple generations can definitely be challenging, but the special bond our daughter has with her grandparents is priceless, and I am grateful to deepen my own relationship with my mom as well. When I get asked about toddler tantrums, I like to speculate that I find it easy to empathize with them because of my own proclivity for tantrums. I’m only half-joking, because there is a grain of truth there as well.

I have spent the better part of the last decade exploring the questions of “who I am” and “who I want to be”. A large part of that process involved digging up the not so pretty parts of myself, my past, and my childhood. It meant recognizing past traumas, understanding how they still affect me today, and finding ways to heal and ultimately coming to peace and letting go.

Having faced my own demons repeatedly, toddler tantrums seem like a piece of cake. Research has shown that toddler brains are far from fully developed. They have full-size feelings, but no tools to manage them. Their feelings are too big (and often too scary) for their little bodies to handle. In those emotionally charged moments, often inconvenient and even stressful for us parents, I like to remind myself, They are not giving me a hard time, they are having a hard time.

Like many parents, my approach to parenting is influenced by my own experiences. I focus a great deal on understanding and connecting with my daughter, though I am far from perfect. There are definitely moments when I am disappointed with my own behavior, and that is also when I strive to demonstrate how to apologize and make amends. After all, repair is critical in any relationship.

Parenting is a very, very hard thing, and we all need (and deserve) so much grace. It has been incredible to witness how my best and worst parts have guided me on this journey of raising a human being. I cherish every moment of this magical phase, which I know is only possible because of the love and support from my family. You are my everything.

by Halley

Daily Trade-Offs

While the baby is sleeping, pick 1: sleep, pump, exercise, cook (if it can be done quietly), eat, write, errands (if dad is not in a meeting), make phone calls, catch up on life in general (jk – that’s impossible).

While the baby is awake, pick 1: eat, get dressed, go to the bathroom, put the dishes away, cook (only if the baby is in a good mood)

Weekends, pick 2 (3, if we get lucky): walk to the park, exercise, assemble baby’s newest toy, put away stuff baby has outgrown, laundry, meal prep, clean / organize the house.

by Halley

How Parenting is (Kind Of) Like Any Other Job

Parenting is by far the best, and hardest, job I have ever had. While there is nothing quite like it, I couldn’t help but notice some parallels between parenting and the more familiar professional arenas:

Investment banking: The hours are insane and the sleep deprivation is real. You are sleeping 4-5 hours, maybe. The rest of the time you are feeding, changing a diaper, or trying to calm down your fussing baby. It comes out to be like 130 hour week. Take that Wall Street. Money Parents Never Sleep.

Consulting: Consulting people always like to say that “everyday is different”, consulting “keeps you on your toes”, because “you are constantly learning”. It’s the same with a baby. No two days are the same. Today she might sleep like an angel, and tomorrow she will go on a sleep strike. One day she refuses to eat and the next she will eat nonstop. Just when you think you have a routine nailed down, there will be a growth spurt, or sleep regression, or teething, or cold, or something. There will always be something new to figure out. Something to keep you on your toes.

Healthcare: Tending to all and any discomforts. Regularly coming in contact, and becoming very unfazed and familiar, with all kinds of bodily fluids. Unlike a doctor, you are never not on call.  

Law: There are few black and white rules, but exceptions abound. You try your best to avoid those slippery slopes, while following the spirit of your parenting principals as much as possible. Some will try to strictly follow the letter of each rule, while others will heed more to the changing times and circumstances. Most decisions are made based on facts and circumstances, and “it depends” is almost always the right answer.

Tech: The initial rewards are not insignificant, but full amount only realizes when your child steps out of your private nest and into the big public world. You pour your heart and soul into your baby, hoping one day everyone else will value her as much as you. And despite the statistics, you fervently believe your baby is a unicorn. Meanwhile, you live in sweats and PJs, and snack 24/7 because proper meals, like real clothes, are a thing of the past.

Education: You are nurturing and inspiring little minds, and it is extremely rewarding and meaningful. You are making a world of difference and humanity literally can’t go on without you. Yet support, appreciation, and recognition are painfully lacking. You regularly pay for both necessities and extras out of you own pocket, even if you can scarcely afford to, but you do it because you love them.

Like all jobs, there’s a fair amount of Zoom calls, because it’s only way to introduce your baby to friends and family these days.

Unlike any other job, there’s no vacation or PTO. Ever.

P.S. My husband astutely pointed out that these disproportionately highlight the downside of having kids, and who would after reading this? Here’s what convinced me: FOMO.