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by Halley

I thought

I was so sure of everything, and now it seems like I’m sure of nothing. It’s like every time I learn something new, I also realize just how little I do know. Every time I thought I could be sure about something, I only realize how much more uncertainty there is in life. But these uncertainties no longer bother me. I finally believe that it’s okay to be uncertain, to not know. I will wait patiently and find out, because I know one day I will.

Someone once told me that the beauty of youth comes from the endless possibilities there are, but the pain of uncertainty is just the other side of that same coin.

by Halley

april heat

The heat makes my head spin, the sunlight is blinding, the sudden greenness is almost overwhelming, and the entire world seems engulfed in pollen. These are the last days of Duke, the last days of a stage. I still remember the first time I saw the campus, it wasn’t all that different: unbelievably green, lush flowers blooming, beautiful gothic architecture, and the stifling heat waves. Of course, I’m different. I remember the excitement, the anticipation and the curiosity I held as I roamed the campus, getting lost and then finding my ways again. Strictly speaking, I should still feel excitement, anticipation and curiosity, and I do to some degree. But there’s also a good dose of apprehension, though tempered by optimism, about the future that I did not have before.

This anxiety, I’m sure, is just a temporary thing. The present will always have more hold upon me than past or future.

Although I still remember it used to snow in Cleveland in April.

by Halley

FAIL.

So I was just walking merrily to my Chinese class, loving the warm weather and everything. Then my Chinese teacher comes up to me and asks me how I was doing, to which I replied “pretty good.” But then he asked me if I ready…at which point I asked, “ready for what…?” And that is how I discovered that I completely and utterly forgot about the quiz today O_O, and to have your teacher being the one to tell you…let’s just say it wasn’t one of my finest moments -_-;;

On the other hand, I’m still loving the warm weather (finally!!!) and the fact that it’s St. Patrick’s Day (b/c I got an awesome hazelnut irish cream latte :D).

Happy spring everyone 🙂

by Halley

Too comfortable

If you know me well, and you probably do if you are reading this, then you know I’m a creature of comfort. But apparently that only applies to physical comfort. Maybe my penchant for getting easily bored trumps prevents me from simply enjoying being in my comfort zone for too long. Or maybe I’m still to young to…what is it, “settle”, is that what they call it?

That’s why as much as I love Duke and as comfortable and competent as I feel in this lovely bubble, I need to move on. Don’t get me wrong, I fully appreciate the last bit of my existence here. It’s wonderful: I can perfectly juggle five classes without breaking a sweat (I have been doing it, and more, for the past three years after all); I complain about my workload, but honestly I’m never really stressed. I might work nonstop for days or have one paper after another, but I wouldn’t really call it tough. I’m certainly challenged my classes, but I know how to handle these challenges and I’m never overwhelmed. But that’s just it, maybe I want to be overwhelmed. Maybe I feel just a bit too comfortable.

I probably won’t feel this way for the rest of my life; eventually, I will want to settle comfortably into a routine, but that’s not today, or anytime soon. There is still too much out there for me to learn. I still have too much potential unfulfilled. I am, in a word, still un-established. So before then, before I have something significant and substantial attached to my name, my identity, I can’t settle. I need to move forward, to continue pushing my limits and venture outside of my comfort zones. It will be painful, it will be stressful, and I will probably feel miserable at times, but that’s how you grow.

Am I scared? Hell yes. Am I excited? Absolutely.