Today was my last day at Skate’s and I couldn’t help but feeling incredibly sad at leaving. In a little more than a day, I’ll be leaving NYC, but it isn’t just this city that I’m leaving behind. I’m leaving behind my last carefree summer. In a matter of days, I will have to start being a grown up, because while law school is still school, it won’t be like college. For one thing, the loans will be accruing interest at an alarming rate from day 1. It won’t be about the experience, it will be about getting that offer to pay off the loans and justifying this incredible investment in time, energy and money. And that’s just the beginning of the increasing responsibilities that I will be facing as I somehow find a way to fill the shoes of an adult.
The word really scares me. Responsibilities scare me. I’d like to think I’m a responsible person, but I’ve never really had to be 100% responsible for my life. It’s not just being financially independent, but also having to bear the weight of every decision I make, face every challenge by myself, figure out every problem on my own. There won’t be a safety net, no one to rely on. Can I do this? It’s not a real question, is it? We all have to, sooner or later. There really is no other option.
This is perhaps the main reason why I would like to get married sooner than later. It’s not because I have some romantic, fairytale fantasy of marriage, but rather I’m so used to having the support and love of a family in my life that I don’t think I could really be happy without it. I want to have that person that I can come home to and recount my day to. Someone that I can count on, someone who will be there for me no matter what happens. In the end, it’s not even so much what I need this person to do for me as my need to share my life with another. I want and need that companionship because without it life is just too lonely, and I just don’t do well with loneliness.