moved in yesterday. mom just left 😦 now i’m all alone in a big, and rather empty apartment. our living room still produces an extraordinary amount of echo; it’s prob. going to stay that way until we put some stuff on the wall. my room is roomy but cozy. my only complaint: total lack of sound-proofing. the walls are paper thin and I hear things from all around me, in and out of the apartment, and especially when the guys upstairs walk >.< I wish I could 100% soundproof my room with those awesome sheets of glass or plastic or whatever material that works.

plans for the rest of the day:

• get more sleep and eat
• head over to GEO
• unpack/organize
• meet up w/ friends, maybe??

have been experimenting with this popular mineral make-up. So far it’s been pretty good 🙂

two things i really missed this summer:

girl time w/ my girl friends
hanging out w/ my cleveland friends

1. talk to my dean about wavering at least one writing requirement
2. talk to the pre-law dean about my future, i.e. law school applications
3. get a job
4. finalize my course selection
5. settle on a schedule and stick to it
6. work work work
7. catch up w/ friends
8. play tennis

This is nothing like I’ve ever anticipated. It has no resemblance whatsoever to senior year of high school, though I don’t know why I should think it would. The mess of feelings are so entangled I’m not sure if I could even identify and make sense of half of them. Fear, uncertainty, pressure, maybe a little excitement? I wonder why I failed to see any of these when I stared at the faces of seniors three years ago. They all seemed so confident, those feelings were mine and couldn’t posssibly belong to these men and women who were so wise with experience. Yet I feel not even remotely wise, or confident for that matter.

I’m not even bothered by regrets anymore. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in the past three years, it’s how not to be kept awake in the dead of the night by countless of regrets. They are pernicious things and nothing will drive them away except coming to terms with them. I make mistakes, but I still have to move on with the rest of my life.

But I have not come to terms with this looming fear yet. Fear of leaving college; of the uncertainty of next step; of not successfully jumping through the next hoop; of falling behind in this invisible race against I-Don’t-Know-Who; of never being able to live the life I’ve aspired; of missing out on things that I will never have a chance to re-do. They always say everything will be okay in the end, but the beginning can nevertheless be as terrifying as ever.