Every once in a while I would get this terrible feeling: extremely bored and having no clue what to do with myself. The most accurate description might be something like the feeling of emptiness. I would find not pleasure in talking with others, b/c every topic that would come to mind would only be trite and superficial. Reading would fail to intrigue me and draw me in, and no matter what, I feel this hollowness in me that precludes me from truly being absorbed. There is nothing to do, nowhere to go; I’d want to escape all of this, but where to? how?
Before I know it, I seem to be wrapped up in all of the worst emotions one can have: loneliness, boredom, worthlessness; I begin to list all the imperfections of myself, my life, and whatever else might make their ways into my twisted mind at the moment. It’s something close to the feeling one might have if all the lights seem to go out and you are left grasping desperately in the dark. Confronted with this sudden emptiness, one can feel so utterly helpless. One of the worst things in life is probably find no meaning, significance, or the slightest interest in anything…and this is something that like it.
I would try to sleep, but of course slumber would not come. I would try to write, but the words all seem so silly and idiotic, and I could never find the right words anyway. So every attempt to escape, to ameliorate the situation, only serves to make it infinitely worse. Every thwarted attempt is like a cruel joker, smiling contemptuously at me in the most mocking, infuriating manner; how I wish to slap it in the face.
What shall I do? What shall I do?!
Maybe I will take a shower. I hate this mechanical act of filling up one’s precious time, (but how it is really more detestable than precious at the moment). Maybe I will eat something too. I am hungry; dinner was horrendous.